How to Divide Your Stuff After the Breakup

So this is it. You're on the outs, it's quitsville, you're saying "Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road" and it will take you a couple of vodka and tonics to get you on your feet again.

Well, don't miss out on the opportunity for some entertainment. The moving-out scene is one of the high-drama points of life. Ideal conditions under which to split for maximum comedy value:

• In the rain. Why does it always rain a pouring deluge at 2AM when you're trying to move your stuff out?
• In a cab. Nothing like getting dumped when you're broke! You get to be the cavalier one, yelling witty lines over your shoulder in between trips to the cab while the driver watches your enraged ex throw all your things out on the street.
• With your new partner helping you. Whoever you were cheating with, and just got caught cheating with. By all means, give them every opportunity to get into a big fight over you!
• With pets in tow. Yes, it's you and Fluffy facing the world once again!

Bonus points for all of the above happening in the same break-up. Now as for your stuff, that's a different story. Depending on what and whose, the stuff is going to end up getting distributed like this:

• Your books - Never count on your books. Your books may stay or go, depending on how badly anybody wants them. But books are always forgotten. The exception are books which enhance your dating potential, either career books (boost your income) or sex manuals. Either of these will be fought over intensely.
• Cookware - A bloody fight to the bitter end. Nobody wants to split up a kitchen. Nobody also wants to send all their cookware away and then be reduced to eating dry bags of Ramen noodles until next payday.
• Clothes - May or may not survive, depending on the circumstances. If you're being thrown out for cheating, expect clothes to be destroyed or vandalized in some creative, sadistic way. Otherwise, there'll be no struggle.
• Toys - If one or the other partner had an unhealthy obsession with science fiction, anime, manga, or other geeky pursuit that the other couldn't stand, expect the partner to either be glad to be rid of them, or have a spectacular mass-Transformer execution by baking them all in the over until they are a modern art masterpiece of melted plastic.
• Food - Seldom packed. Often thrown.

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